Work of the Beavers

Parody of 'Wark o' the Weavers' - 2024

       G            D         C           G
Beavers they are wonderful, beavers they are smart,
      C               G             C             D
To keep the rivers healthy, they always do their part,
        G     D            C              G
Civil engineering, that’s also a work of art,
        C               G             D  G
So be thankful for the wark o' the beavers

                     D        C                 G
If it wisnae for the beavers, whar would ye stand?
    C           G          C           D
Ye wadnae hae a river, that is good and dammed'
G                   D                 C            G
A lovely spot for fishing, and for swimming also grand
             C           G            D  G
Sae be thankful for the wark o' the beavers

The humans often hunted us and turned us into hats,
With guns and spears and arrows, snares and nets and traps,
They extracted our secretions, called us fish, imagine that,
A very sorry fate for the beavers

Geronimo the beaver, he came from Idaho,
They took up into a plane and threw him down below,
Lucky he had a parachute, landed ready to go,
Continuing the wark o' the beavers

So if you see a beaver, down at your local stream,
Be thankful for the work he does, building a wetland dream,
And don’t begrudge the trees he takes, and never treat him mean,
And be thankful for the wark o' the beavers

Mansplainer

a Parody of Moon River by Daniel Kelly – 2023

G    Em      C            G
Mansplainer, snider than he's vile,
    C               G          Am   B7
He's bossing you in style, he'd say.
Em    G7          C     Cm
Point maker, spotlight taker,
    Em7         A7        Am         D7
Whatever you're saying, he'll say it his way.

G   Em       C              G
Sad grifter, wants to rule the world
        C             G        Am   B7
But so little of the world, he’s seen
       Em  Em7     Cm             G
I'm after the conversations end

C                   G
  Drives me around the bend
C               G
 My condescending friend
Em   Am      D7  G
Man Splainer. .let me be

Mansplainer, spews a lot of bile,
Makes the patriarchy smile, you’ll pay.
Mood breaker, Knowledge faker,
Wherever you're doing, he knows a better way.

Hark the Nine Wraith Riders

Hark the nine wraith riders spring, searching for the missing ring
Middle Earth is where it hides, to the shire nine dark lords ride
Woeful all ye hobbits hide, prancing pony get inside
Aragorn then will proclaim, "don’t tell anyone your name"
Hark the nine wraith riders spring, "Searching for the one lost ring"

Bilbo found it in a cave, lost by Gollum filled with rage;
Then upon his last birthday, to Frodo gave it away
Ring of magic, vile and feared, with it on he disappeared
Better get it to mount doom, dark riders are coming soon,
Hark the nine wraith riders spring, "Searching for the one lost ring"

The Witch king can’t by men be slain, all who face him fear his name,
Meri’s dagger will strike true, and Eowyn’s blade will run him through,
A magic blade from Westerness, left out by Pete Jackson I guess,
Should have kept Tom Bombadil, maybe the next re-make will,
Eight wraith riders on the wing, "Searching for the one lost ring"

There is Nothing Like a Flame

Parody Lyrics to “Nothing Like a Dame” by Rogers & Hammerstein

We got moonlight on the land,
But it’s very hard to see,
We got cats with teeth like sabres
Which will jump you from a tree,
We got knives and spears and axes
But they’re stone so very lame!
What ain’t we got?
We ain’t got flame!

We get eaten in our homes,
By the wolf, and by the bear,
We have tried hiding in caves
But the snakes they eat us there,
We get carried off by eagles
They can track us by our smell!
What should we do?
We just can’t tell!

We have nothin’ to scare off the predator with
What we need is some thing we can settle the score with

There is nothin’ like a flame,
Nothin’ in the world,
There is nothin’ you can name
That is anythin’ like a flame!

We feel queasy, we feel ill,
We feel nauseous, and in brief,
We get ev’ry kind of sickness’,
From the raw and uncooked beef,
But we feel hungry as the wolf felt
When he ate Red Hiding-hood
What don’t we feel?
We don’t feel good!

Lots of things to eat are very tasty, but brother,
There is one particular thing that if not cooked properly
will kill you much faster than any other.

Chorus

….Nothin’ else is built the same,
E A
Nothin’ in the world
E A
Warm and crackling and untamed
A D E A
Yes the flickering of a flame!

There is absolutely nothin’ you can name like a flame.

So suppose you’re out at night
And far away from home,
And you don’t want to get eaten,
When scared and all alone,
It’s a waste of time to worry
About the cat and wolf and biar,
Just build yourself a great big fire,

There is nothin’ you can name
That is anythin’ like a flame!

You can read books by a flame,
And nothin’ cooks like a flame.
You make wise cracks round a flame,
And dry you slacks by a flame,
Nothin’ acts like a flame,
Or Moth attracts like a flame.
There ain’t a thing that’s wrong with any one here
That can’t be cured by putting him near
A burning, roaring, crackling, warming, flame!

Outside of a Small Circle of (Facebook) Friends

a parody of the Phil Ochs song

Look inside that window, there's a newbie being flamed
They've dragged him to the FAQ and now the mod’s being blamed
Maybe we should call the admin and try to stop the pain
But Everquest is so much fun, I'd hate to blow the raid
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Surfing the information highway, yes, my back is getting stiff
Thirteen servers are offline, they're hanging on a cliff.
Maybe I could bring them back with a telnet shell again
But we got data to move and we might get sued and it’s probably all in vain
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Sweating in the Facebook ghetto with the needy and the mad
Rats from AOL have joined the ship, it was all they ever had
Now we could organise a riot with these latest fake-news crops
But their too gullible already and someone might call the cops
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Oh there's a dirty thumbnail using sex to get some clicks
The YouTube board was so upset, I hope the lawsuit sticks.
Maybe we should help the content makers, keep them all in line.
But we're busy scrolling reddit and the latest TikTok Vines.
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends

The Smoking speed of twitter is more fun than drinking beer,
But a friend of ours was shadow banned they gave him just a year
Maybe we should raise our voices, ask somebody why
But it’s hard to get a trending tag, the cost is much too high
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends

Phallus in the Sky with Bezos


Parody to the tune of 'She'll be coming around the mountain'                                           

When you ride the giant penis in the sky,
When you ride the giant penis in the sky,
You’ll be near halfway to Venus,
Though the cost is somewhat heinous,
If you ride that giant penis in the sky.

You can sit atop the phallus in the sky, x 2
It’s a veritable palace,
Or that’s what Jeffery will tell us,
When you’re strapped into that phallus in the sky.

You’ll be feeling very manly when you fly, x 2
You’ll be feeling oh so manly,
Strapped aboard that whopping Stanley
You can’t help but feel manly when you fly

You’ll be looking quite elated when you fly x 2
You’ll be looking so elated,
As your pod’s ejaculated,
And your briefly zero weighted when you fly

We’ll say thankyou Jeffery Bezos when we fly x2
We’ll say thankyou Jeffery Bezos,
Though it cost more than he pays os,
We’ll say thankyou Jeffery Bezos when we fly

Sourdough Starter

A Parody of Stan Rogers’ Mary Ellen Carter

      
We were in lockdown last October,
And it really was a pain,
I could not get to the bakery,
For my dose of local grain,
The cheap stuff from the grocery store,
Wasn’t the same you know, and
My spirits and my pants were dropping low.
Then I saw a post on Pinterest,
A crust that caught my eye,
Artisan bread that's made at home,
Is what I did espy,
I needed just a starter,
I could get it through the mail,
Heaven help the family if I fail
 
Well I ordered one on eBay,
It came in just a week,
I fed her flour and water,
Till she bubbled to a peak.
And that first loaf from the oven,
It set my heart aglow,
I laughed and ate,
The best bread you can know.

I baked with her all summer,
Some days around the clock.
Baguettes and buns and bagels,
Our pantry was well stocked
With every teaspoon from the jar,
I swore I would remain and
Make that new sourdough starter rise again!

Rise again, rise again,
No matter what the cost,
I’ll have good bread again,
It doesn’t really matter,
if on lockdown we remain,
My new sour dough starter will rise again.

The lockdown it was lifted,
And we all gave a cheer.
The family said now it’s time, and
To get away form here.
So we took a little holiday, and
Left our cares behind, but
But the starter it had never,
Crossed my mind.

She was left there on the kitchen bench,
To bubble and to grow,
The lid came off and down she spilled
onto the ground below,
When we finally made it home,
She’d near sang her last refrain,
But I made that sourdough starter rise again!

Rise a   gain, rise a   gain,
Though lockdown may be broken,
And finally at an end,
No matter what you've lost,
Be it a job, bread shop, a friend,
Like the new Sourdough Start rise again!

Let Him Have a Whine

a parody, to the tune of End of the Line by The Traveling Wilburys

          
Well, I’m alt-right, hatin’ anyone I please                    
Well, I’m alt-right, the white man’s on his knees,
Well, I’m alt-right, I’ve got a master plan,
Well, I’m alt-right, I’m doing everything I can

You can sit around and let them steal your jobs (let me have a whine)
Or take the streets in boots with nail hobs (let me have a whine)
Don’t sit around you’ll be working for less than bobs (let me have a whine)
Maybe just turning knobs

Well, I’m alt-right, antifa says I’m wrong
Well, I’m alt-right, but sometimes you gotta be strong
Well, I’m alt-right, as long as I get my way
Well, I’m alt-right, I’m bringin’ on judgment day

Maybe somewhere down the road a ways (let me have a whine)
You'll think of me and wonder where I am these days (let me have a whine)
Maybe in a prison somewhere where the warden plays (let me have a whine)
Purple Haze

Well, I’m alt-right, I like to push and shove
Well, I’m alt-right, takin’ off my kid gloves
Well, I’m alt-right, make a america great again
Well, I’m alt-right, at least great for white men

I’m not ashamed to drive a pickup truck (let me have a whine)
If you don’t like confederate flags, you’re out of luck (let me have a whine)
Tryin’ to find a haircut that doesn’t suck (let me have a whine)
Just lock her up,

Well, I’m alt-right, sittin her on my porch,
Well, I’m alt-right, lighting up my tiki torch,
Well, I’m alt-right, I don’t read all that much,
Well, I’m alt-right, just watch Fox news and such,

Speeding Down to Mos Eisley

A Filk by Daniel Kelly, to the tune of ‘Ol’ Maui’ – May 4 2021

It's a damn tough life full of sand and strife
We live on Tatooine.
And we don't give a damn when the day is done
If all the droids are clean.
'cause I’m Tosche bound from the moisture ground
With a speeder, fast and mean
And I’ll raise my stats, as I shoot wamp rats,
On the sands of Tatooine.

Speeding down to Mos Eisley, me boys
Speeding down to Mos Eisley,
With Obi-Wan, then to Alderan
Speeding down to Mos Eisley,

The droid R2, had a job to do,
A message to pass on,
With a well placed clout, the princess came out,
Pleading for help from Obi-Wan,
No-one by that name, lived out on the plain,
Twas a mystery that’s for sure,
The restraining bolt, was soon pulled out,
Hoping I could learn some more.

I met Old Ben, in his cavern then,
When the sand folk knocked me down,
He showed me a sword, that my dad had wored,
Until Vader cut him down,
If the death star plans, were in empire hands,
The rebellion would be through,
Owen and Beru, troopers killed them to,  
I knew what I had to do,

At Mos Eisley port, transport we sought,
for our trip to Alderan,
Little did we know, that Han Solo,
Was smuggler, on the run,
In a hail of fire, and stormtrooper ire,
We blasted into space,
On an epic quest, with many a test,
And monsters for to face,

In my twilight years, after many tears,
I hid on a planet then,
Like Yoda before, I shut my door,
After training Kylo Ren,
But Rey has come, and my jobs not done,
How much more can I do?  
So here’s to you, I’ll drink milk that’s blue
With the porgs on old Ahch-To.

Is There Flight On Mars?

A Parody Mashup of Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds and David Bowie’s Life on Mars.

Cm G7 G7 Cm x 2
     Bb                    Cm        
The chances of anything flying on Mars,
           G#              Cm
were a milion to one they said
           Bb         Cm
But look what they’ve done.

G                    Dm
The gravity that’s on mars
E7                         Am
is just two thirds that of ours,
Am                     D
Anything that goes up too fast,
G
Is sure to have flown its last.
         G           Dm
And you need some atmosphere
     E7                   Am
If your hoping the ground to clear,
Am                   D
Air on Mars is very thin,
                   Bb
It’s hard to even begin
     Bb                   Gm
Only one percent that of here
     G#                   Eb
Not much use for flying I fear.
           G7              Cm
But those NASA foks they are Smart,
                          Ebm
When it comes to the flying art

It was two thousand and forteen,
When JPL had a dream,
That the rover could have a drone,
A pet of it’s very own,
The mars helicopter scout,
Would take off and fly about,
It was launched a year ago,
But this week put on a show,
With a small piece from the brothers wright,
It flew on the planet last night
Another step on the planet Mars,
In our journey to farther stars.

R2’s Song

A Parody on Taylor Swift’s ‘Our Song’

I was riding shotgun with my bolts undone in the front seat of his speeder
He’s got one-hand on his light sabre,
The other on my beeper
I look around, turn the scanner down
He says R2 is something wrong?
I say nothing I was just thinking how we don’t have a song

And he says...

Our song’s on the moon of Endor,
Staying up late, with the Ewoks dancin’
When you’re on the Falcon and you talk real low
Cause Leia’s your sister and Han doesn’t know
Our song is the laser blast
Stormtroppers, that didn’t hit you, when they should have
And when I get home ... to Tatooine again
I’ll be asking George if he can buy us again

I was lowered down the X-wing hatch after everything that day
Had gone all wrong Vader almost won,
Red Leader blown away
Got to repair bay, well on my way to my charging station,
I almost didn’t notice all the Jawas
Singing in anticipation.

I’ve seen every prequel, watched every spin off show
Waited for something to come along
That was as good as episode one.

I was riding shotgun with my bols undone
In the front seat of his speeder
I grabbed a pen and an old napkin
And I... wrote down our song

You Can’t Hurry Lunch

by Daniel Kelly – 2021 (a parody of You Can’t Hurry Love)

I need lunch, lunch to ease my grind
And I need to find time, somewhere to dine
My Waiter said

You can't hurry lunch.
No you just have to wait
She said: Lunch don't come easy
But it's a game of grill and bake
You can't hurry lunch.
No you just have to wait
Just trust on a prep time
No matter how long it takes

How many heartburns must I stand
before I find a lunch that I can eat again
Right now the only thing, that keeps me hangin' on
When I see my entree
Oh, it's almost gone
I remember what my waiter said

No one can bear to eat their lunch alone
I grow impatient for a lunch to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
Well these precious words
Keep me hangin' on
I remember what my waiter said...

Now steak!

Now lunch, lunch don't come easy
But I keep on waiting, anticipating
For that soft bun to take my first bite
For some tender ham that tastes just right

I keep waiting, oh 'til that day,
But it ain't easy, no, you know it ain't easy.
My waiter said...

Niffler

By Daniel Kelly - 2021, to 'Leave Her Johnny'

With big long snout and a coat of black,
Niffler Harry Niffler, Niffler.
He’ll steal your gold and won’t give it back
Better watch out for the Niffler.

Niffler Harry Niffler, oh Niffler Harry, Niffler.
He will steal your rings, or shiny things
That harmless little Niffler,

Oh I thought I heard old Hagrid say,
Niffler Harry, Niffler.
Don’ let him see where you keep your pay,
It’ll be taken by the Niffler.

You can try to keep him locked up tight,
Niffler Harry, Niffler,
But He’ll soon escape, and flee your sight,
That sneaky little Niffler.

With coins his pouch is likely filled,
Niffler, Harry Niffler,
Stolen with paws quiet and skilled,
Keep you gold safe from the Niffler

Hermione

Parody by Daniel Kelly – 2021 – to the tune of ‘Rolling Down to Old Maui’

It's a damn tough life full of toil and strife we Gryffindors undergo,
We don't give a damn when the term is done how many facts we know.
But there is one girl, that we know for sure, will still at her studying be,
We’ll drink butter beer and give a cheer to the girl Hermione.

Yes her name’s Hermione, it is,
Her name’s Hermione,
We will win house cup, when the year is up
Thanks to our Hermione

Once more we fail at the Potions class, wicked recipes Snape has made,
But Hermione read, and with level head, she has brewed the winning grade,
While Crabb and Goyle set their hair on fire, and Malfoy makes a scowl,
When Hermione reads every word she needs, She’ll be outstanding in every owl.

A Ravenclaw some said she’d be, but they couldn’t be more wrong,
Though her mind is sharp, she’s a lion’s heart, and her will is mighty strong,
She is sometimes gruff, like a Hufflepuff, but there’s a sparkle in her eye,
Though her bloods not pure, she will endure and triumph by and by.


On the album Muggles Ahoy!

Jarrett’s Private Tears

a parody of Stan Roger’s ‘Barrett’s Privateers’ by Daniel Kelly -2020

Oh the night was getting very late,
How I wish I was with Cheryl now,
When a phonecall came from my mate Stan,
He said come to town I’ll make you a man.

Gosh darn them all,
I was told, we’d would cruise the streets,
for a maid to hold, sire no sons, drink some beers,
now I’m a broke young man on the Sydney pier,
for a lass I cry my private tears.

Oh, Stan he said that he knew the town, HOW I WISH I WAS..
and ten great clubs where the ladies went
in which our money would be well spent

Well Stacey she was a lovely sight, HOW I WISH I WAS . . .
She'd a bottle of port and her dress half on
and said would I like all my worries gone,

I said yes please and she came real close, HOW I WISH I WAS..
Her hand reached down into my pants,
She took my phone and ran I had no chance

At 11:05 we moved again, HOW I WISH I WAS...
When a fit young Yankee hove in sight,
We asked if she could spare a light.

The Yankee said I don’t smoke your fools, HOW I WISH I WAS...
Lung cancer’s an awful way to go,
Would she like a drink? She said hell no!

Then I spied a lass two tables away, HOW I WISH I WAS . . .
I walked over to have chat,
Turned out she was a bloke named Pat.

The Antelope pub was the last we tried, HOW I WISH I WAS . . .
I must have smashed half a dozen kegs,
And I can’t stand straight on my own two legs

So I can’t get laid in my 33rd year, HOW I WISH I WAS . . .
It's been 6 hours since my mate Stan’s call
And I haven’t been close to a woman at all.

It’s Hard to Be Karen

a parody to the tune of – It’s Hard to Be Humble by Mac Davis

Oh lord, it's hard to be Karen,
With folks making fun of your name,
Each time that I open up Facebook,
I’m part of another cruel meme.
My family say they love me,
And they just can’t explain,
Oh lord it's hard to be Karen,
But I'm trying not to complain.

Last night I went out to dinner,
My steak it was a little bit cold,
And just as I called for the manager,                        
My husband and daughters eyes rolled.
You know that you’ll end up on Reddit,
When they find out the name on your card,
You can bet that they’ll all take a photo.
Being Karen is really quite hard.

I don’t call the cops on my neighbours,
Or push to the front of the queue,  
I really am quite a nice person,
But there’s just nothing that I can do.
I can’t escape my name’s reputation,
But I’m not wealthy, or racist or mean,
I guess I’ll just dye my hair red,  
And start calling myself jean.

Mr Gold

By Daniel Kelly (based on Mr Grinch by Dr Seuss and Albert Hague)

You're a mean one, Mr. Gold
You hearts as black as coal
You're as greedy as a dragon,
There’s nothing you won’t steal,
Mr. Gold
You're a coward and a liar with a slightly greasy feel!

You're a monster, Mr. Gold
Poor Belle’s heart you stole,
You are jealous and resentful,
you've haven’t got a soul, Mr. Gold
I wouldn't trust you at the end of
Hundred and ten foot pole!

You're the dark one, Mr. Gold
Though Storybrooke knows your smile
You have such a tender sweetness
They call you the crocodile, Mr. Gold
Given a choice between the dark and light
you’ll take darkness by the mile!

You have power, Mr. Gold
But it comes at a price,
How many souls have suffered,
In your pursuit of control, Mr. Gold
The four words that best describe
you are as follows, and I quote
"Once, Upon, a Time!"

You're a sad one, Mr. Gold
Because you lost your son,
Your dad treated your badly,
Your wife she ran away, Mr. Gold
Maybe if this show ever finishes
Then you’ll have your day!

Whale Meat Again

A parody of ‘We’ll Meet Again’ by Ross Parker and Hughie Charles, for Tom Hanson’s 70th.

C             E7
Whale meat again
Am7               A7
Don't know where, don't know when
              Dm7   F/A    G7   G7 C
But I’ll eat whale meat again some day
C             E7
Cooked in a stew,
Am7           A7
Or part of Fondue,
              Dm7 F/A     G7             C      F      C
In salad or pie, I’ll eat it any kind of way

    Cmaj7  E7                     Fdim   E7
It’s for science you see, I want whale sashimi,
F6 (Dm)
You might think it’s wrong,

       D             D7                   D      D7
But when I eat that whale, I’ll be sure not to inhale
 G7           F             G7
You know it’s only a song

Whale meat again
Don't know where, don't know when
But I’ll eat whale meat again some day

Whale meat again
Don't know where, don't know when
But I’ll eat whale meat again some day
I’m sick of the trout,
You know what that’s about
Give my those humpback steaks and whale souffle,

Cheesy Love Song

By Daniel Kelly (tune by Freidrich Silcher, Muss i denn)

Camembert, Roquefort, give me just a little more,
Cheese that I adore,
Cause I don’t have a healthy heart.

Mozzarella I will fry, Gorgonzola I will try,
Jarlsberg on rye,
Cause I don’t care about my heart,

Cholesterol upon this heart of mine,
I’ve been raised on milk from the start,
Brie is nice, Fetta’s good,
Cheddar can be smoked with wood,
But I don’t want to break my heart.

Parmesan on bolognese, Stilton’s flavour they do praise,
Eat it in so many ways,
Though it’s not so good for your heart.

Emmental cheese is fine, if not watching my waistline,
It tastes so divine,
When I’m not thinking of my heart

Cholesterol upon this heart of mine,
I’ve been eating cheese from the start,
Edams great, heaven’s sake,
You can eat it in a cake,
But I don’t want to break my heart.

By the slice, or the round, so much cheese can be found,
Made the world around,
And who cares about my heart