Number Two

By Daniel Kelly – 2020

          G                       C         G
I was sitt’n on the dunny, as a fella likes to do,
          C             G         Am             D
And I’d just come to the end, of a colossal number two,
But when my hand reached for the paper,
     C         D         Em
A chill went through my soul,
          C                  G             D            G
For my fingers touched the cardboard, of an empty toilet roll.

My eyes they scanned the dunny, for that disaster saving spare,
But on that little wooden pole, was flamin’ nothing there,
I called out to the misses,
Is there any more TP?
Sorry love she answered,
Woolies and Coles are out till three.

          C                  G
Where out of paper, out of paper,
          C             G
The people stormed the stores,
          C             G
There’s been toilet paper wars,
          C             G
Empty shelves across the land,
     D                  G
the situations out of hand.

See there’s been a little outbreak, of a virus overseas,
And Australians love their dunny rolls, they make them feel at ease,
They didn’t stockpile medicine, drinking water or baked beans
They stripped the country of toilet rolls, can someone explain please?

I looked down at the toilet floor, and my fluffy bichon fries,
As I gave Frank my apologies, something brushed my knees,
It was a copy of The Telegraph,
No idea how it got there,
But nothing could be better, to wipe my derriere

Found some paper, found some paper,
It’s not good enough to read,
But it sure did do the deed,
If you find you’re in bind,
Rupert’s good for your behind,

So thankyou mister Murdoch, your paper saved my arse,
If it wasn’t for The Telegraph, that journalistic farce,
So I recommend to everyone, you should buy one for your loo,
In case you’re similarly stranded, when doing number two.


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