Mansplainer

a Parody of Moon River by Daniel Kelly – 2023

G    Em      C            G
Mansplainer, snider than he's vile,
    C               G          Am   B7
He's bossing you in style, he'd say.
Em    G7          C     Cm
Point maker, spotlight taker,
    Em7         A7        Am         D7
Whatever you're saying, he'll say it his way.

G   Em       C              G
Sad grifter, wants to rule the world
        C             G        Am   B7
But so little of the world, he’s seen
       Em  Em7     Cm             G
I'm after the conversations end

C                   G
  Drives me around the bend
C               G
 My condescending friend
Em   Am      D7  G
Man Splainer. .let me be

Mansplainer, spews a lot of bile,
Makes the patriarchy smile, you’ll pay.
Mood breaker, Knowledge faker,
Wherever you're doing, he knows a better way.

Hark the Nine Wraith Riders

Hark the nine wraith riders spring, searching for the missing ring
Middle Earth is where it hides, to the shire nine dark lords ride
Woeful all ye hobbits hide, prancing pony get inside
Aragorn then will proclaim, "don’t tell anyone your name"
Hark the nine wraith riders spring, "Searching for the one lost ring"

Bilbo found it in a cave, lost by Gollum filled with rage;
Then upon his last birthday, to Frodo gave it away
Ring of magic, vile and feared, with it on he disappeared
Better get it to mount doom, dark riders are coming soon,
Hark the nine wraith riders spring, "Searching for the one lost ring"

The Witch king can’t by men be slain, all who face him fear his name,
Meri’s dagger will strike true, and Eowyn’s blade will run him through,
A magic blade from Westerness, left out by Pete Jackson I guess,
Should have kept Tom Bombadil, maybe the next re-make will,
Eight wraith riders on the wing, "Searching for the one lost ring"

The Forbidden Forest

by Daniel Kelly, on the passing of Robbie Coltrane

     G            Em       C          G
The forest is dark, so wild and untamed,
            Em    C        D
Filled with unicorns and spiders,
     G          Em              C          G
For a student forbidden, But there I must go,
   G            Em
Malfoy got me detention,
       D              G
I must face what I don’t know

  G      C      G
Hagrid take my hand,
     C      G        D
I’m heading for the forest,
Em       C           D    G
Hold your glowing lantern high,
     C          D          G
And lead me through the dark,

Though scared I’ll be brave, If you walk beside,
I’ll face the dark unknown
If you tell me the things you shouldn’t have told,
And lend to me your strength
I’ll learn to be bold.

You need your wits about you, When to the forest you go,
Not everything’s safe or friendly,
The Centaurs are noble, and no wizards slave,
So learn to respect,
If its power you crave,

So walk closely by in Hagrid’s steps,
Don’t stay into the darkness,
There’s worse things than werewolves lurking in there,
Wild cars and big spiders,
And old devil’s snare.

Back to the Moon

by Daniel Kelly 2022 (written while waiting for the Artemis I launch)

  G                             C
Back to the moon, we’re going back to the moon,
   G                 D
Artemis will take us there (my what a rocket)
Back to the moon, we’re going back to the moon,
      G     D       G
Her bounty for to share

Eugene Cernan was the last man to walk there,
Way back in seventy two,
For more the fifty years, the moon has been alone,
With no human life to view,

When I say share, I mean share with our friends,
Not Russia or the CCP,
Unless they get there first, which would be the worst,
For peace and liberty,

Back to the Moon, this time to stay,
The jumping point for mars,
Back to the Moon, Back on the path
The gateway to the Stars

There is Nothing Like a Flame

Parody Lyrics to “Nothing Like a Dame” by Rogers & Hammerstein

We got moonlight on the land,
But it’s very hard to see,
We got cats with teeth like sabres
Which will jump you from a tree,
We got knives and spears and axes
But they’re stone so very lame!
What ain’t we got?
We ain’t got flame!

We get eaten in our homes,
By the wolf, and by the bear,
We have tried hiding in caves
But the snakes they eat us there,
We get carried off by eagles
They can track us by our smell!
What should we do?
We just can’t tell!

We have nothin’ to scare off the predator with
What we need is some thing we can settle the score with

There is nothin’ like a flame,
Nothin’ in the world,
There is nothin’ you can name
That is anythin’ like a flame!

We feel queasy, we feel ill,
We feel nauseous, and in brief,
We get ev’ry kind of sickness’,
From the raw and uncooked beef,
But we feel hungry as the wolf felt
When he ate Red Hiding-hood
What don’t we feel?
We don’t feel good!

Lots of things to eat are very tasty, but brother,
There is one particular thing that if not cooked properly
will kill you much faster than any other.

Chorus

….Nothin’ else is built the same,
E A
Nothin’ in the world
E A
Warm and crackling and untamed
A D E A
Yes the flickering of a flame!

There is absolutely nothin’ you can name like a flame.

So suppose you’re out at night
And far away from home,
And you don’t want to get eaten,
When scared and all alone,
It’s a waste of time to worry
About the cat and wolf and biar,
Just build yourself a great big fire,

There is nothin’ you can name
That is anythin’ like a flame!

You can read books by a flame,
And nothin’ cooks like a flame.
You make wise cracks round a flame,
And dry you slacks by a flame,
Nothin’ acts like a flame,
Or Moth attracts like a flame.
There ain’t a thing that’s wrong with any one here
That can’t be cured by putting him near
A burning, roaring, crackling, warming, flame!

The Milk Fun

a parody of The Bilk Run by Leslie Fish

There ain't no seed, can't be sowed,
There ain't no grass that can't be mowed,
Ain't no cow that can't be milked,
And there ain't no song that can't be filked

You're a Trekkie, I'm a Jedi,
She's a brown coat let's write a song,
Put our words to a good strong melody,
We'll win a Pegasus before long

Because there ain't no guitar, can't be played,
Ain't no cat that can't be spayed,
Ain't no Scotsman can't be kilt,
And there ain't no song that can't be filked

I'm a wizard, you're a cultist,
Grab a book and lets cast a spell,
We can raise and ancient terror,
Banished from Argo down to hell

Cause there ain't no spirit can't be raised,
Ain't no gods that want your praise,
Ain't no threads that can't be silked,
And their ain't no song that can't be filked.

Bring your song out, in the circle,
There's no judgement, anything goes,
What we praise is heart not mastery,
With listeners too, the filksing grows,

There ain't no voice that cannot sing,
Ain't no soul with naught to bring,
Ain't no stranger of any ilk,
And there ain't no song that can't be filked

Bob and Alice

by Daniel Kelly

C           G            C
Bob’s got a message for Alice,
F                    C
But he’s more than a little concerned,
F               G    C   F
For he did Cryptography 101 and
G                    C
Was worried by what he had learned,

For Eve is out there and she’s listening,
To all of the packets they send,
If Bob wants to keep his words secret,
He’ll need a system on which to depend,

           F             C
He’ll need Public Key Encryption,
G          C
Yes, he needs Public Key Encryption,
F
When you can’t share a secret key,
C
In a way others cannot see,
G          C
You need Public Key Encryption

Now Diffie and Hellman were searching,
Around nineteen seventy six,
For a way to exchange secrets safely,
Just like GCHQ with their tricks,

RSA expanded their research,
That’s Rivest, Shamir, Aldeman,
After a late night of coding and drinking,
The one-way hash revolution began,

They made Public Key Encryption,
Yes, Public Key Encryption,
When you can’t share a secret key,
In a way others cannot see,
You need Public Key Encryption

Now while Bob got his message to Alice,
Using the public key way,
They both went to jail for insurance fraud,
Because Eve worked for the NSA.

So every time you open your browser,
And look for the soothing padlock,
Remember the system was broken,
To boost Certificate Authority stock.

You use Public Key Encryption,
Yes, Public Key Encryption,
There’s no system we cannot break,
When shareholders are at stake,
Even Public Key Encryption

Chocolate Mire

(a Parody of Ring of Fire)

Cacao is a magic thing
And it makes our taste buds sing
Driving Wild Desire
I Fell Into A Chocolate Mire

I Fell Into A swirling Chocolate Mire,
I Went Down, Down, Down
As The Calories went Higher
And It Churns, Churns, Churns
The Chocolate Mire
The Chocolate Mire

The Taste Of Chocolate’s Sweet
The finest thing to eat
I Fell when the railing failed,
On chocolate blades I was impaled

God Made Cats

by Daniel Kelly – 2022

        G       C      G
On the six days of creation,
D                 G
God made all the things,
      G       C      G
The planets and the water
       D7
The trees and birds with wings,
            G       C         G
She made doctors, frogs and lawyers,
         C      D   Em
But a little after that,
          G        C        G
On the seventh day of creation,
G     D    G
God made cats.

          C               G
She made cats, she made cats,
         G         C     G
On the seventh day of creation,
G    D    G
God made cats

On the seventh day she rested,
Or so you have been told,
But let me share a secret,
If I may be so bold,
She wasn’t really resting,
She pulled something from her hat

So cats got all the best bits,
That creation had to give,
They’re fast and smart and furry,
With nine fine lives to live,
They expect humans to serve them,
After all they hunt the rat

And cats they well remember,
That they were made the last,
The pinnacle, the zenith,
Of all creations past,
As they contemplate life’s mysteries
While sitting on your lap

Building Bridges

Written for the Filk Ontario Song Contest 2022

C
Now I’ve been writing songs,
       G            C
Since I was four or five,
        F           C
They help me to engage with life,
     F            G
And let emotion thrive,

     F                  C
But I’ve got a little problem,
          F             C
That I’ll put into this song,
          F             C
There’s a part of writing,(So I’m told)
     C         G       C
That I’ve been getting wrong.

            F
It’s not a song,
            C
It’s not a song,
          F                  C
If it’s just got verse and chorus,
     Dm                   G
then you’re doing it all wrong,
             F
It’s not a song,
              C
(Not a proper song),
     F             C
If it hasn’t got a bridge,
     G                  C
Then it’s not a proper song,

There was this song that I had writ,
I thought was pretty fine,
So elegant in melody,
I crafted every line,

But then in the competition,
The feedback it was thus,
If you’d only put a bridge in,
It might have impressed us.

Chorus

I think I’m doomed to writing,
These songs that aren’t complete,
If I could figure bridges out,
That would be pretty neat.

But I don’t know how to build one,
And I haven’t got a plan,
So I’ll stick to writing the mediocre,
Half songs that I can.

GNU’s Not Unix (v1.2)

License: CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
(Attribution, NonCommercial, ShareAlike)
 
by Daniel Kelly - 2022

  C        G    C
Well GNU’s Not Unix,
F               C
What is Unix? You may ask,
F               C
It’s a Computer Operating System,
F               G
From the distant past.
F               C
Long before Micro was Soft, or
F            C
Apple had a mouse,
F               C
Unix was the solid rock,
C               G          C
On which Software built its house.

But Unix was a jealous beast,
Held tight by AT&T,
They'd send trade-secret binaries,
No source code you could see.
The price, it was a pittance,
But it cost your liberty:
You couldn't change and share it,
for that code wasn't free.

And then a knight, burst on the scene,
A warrior of code,
Free Software was his battle cry,
And up to the beast he strode,
I can do this just as well as you,
Is what Richard Stallman said,
And If you won’t release source code,
Then I’ll write my own instead.

There was one little problem,
At the heart of Richard’s Plan,
The GNU she lacked a kernel,
Without which nothing ran,
But there was a Finnish Wizard,
Who’d been working in the lab,
To build a kernel of his own,
That penguin turned out fab.

So when you use that Android phone,
or boot up your PC,
Remember Richard Stallman,
Who set your software free,
And remember Linus Torvalds,
The Finn who wrote the code,
For the Penguin that flaps at the hearts,
Of a billion server nodes.

Diprotodon Blues

to Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive'    

Once upon a time, I was super-sized
There was nothing in the bush my teeth could not incise
I spent so many days,  just knocking down the trees
I sniffed the breeze
And I did just what I pleased

Now on the track I take less space
Down evolutions winding road it seems I’ve lost first place
I should have ate those stupid bipods,
Instead of letting them eat me
If I had known for just one second I’d be smaller than a tree

No I’ll grow, I’ll eat some more
Just chow on down now
I won’t be tiny anymore
I’m sick of living down in my tiny hole
It’s time to rumble!
I’ll take the title that you stole,

Oh yes now I’ll more than survive
For as long as I know how to grow, I know I'm sure to thrive,
I've got all my trees to eat,
And I'm so agile on me feet,
I will revive
I’ll super-size

Hey hey

I had to get real small, so I wouldn’t go extinct
When the ocean started moving, and life was on the brink,
And I spent more than a thousand years just shrinking down myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my paws up high
And you’ll see me, 9 foot two
I'm not that tiny little wombat you saw at the zoo
And when you feel like dropping in, expecting a cutee
I'll be savin' all my chewing for those who started eating me

Ballad of the Dark Crystal

By Daniel Kelly – 2021 (except the prophesy from Dark Crystal) – Capo 4

       Em        G      D      C
When single shines the triple sun,
what was sundered and undone
Em                   D  
shall be whole, shall be whole
D           Em
the two made one
    Em    D      Bm     Em
by Gelfling hand or else by none

To Thra the UrSkeks banished came,
To purge dark hearts in crystal flame,
To go home, to go home,
They would have done,
But darkness birthed the two from one,

The Skesis cruel, and greedy all,
Hunt Gelfling, Podling enthrall,
Taking all, Taking all,
They plot and scheme,
Eternal life their vile dream.

The urRu while gentle and kind,
Have left the folks of Thra behind,
Only wait, only wait,
For destiny,
Inaction can be tragedy,

Young Jen the Gelfling, child of war,
Raised by UrSu for destinies door,
The shard, the shard,
Must be restored,
The future of Thra, is your reward

The Crystal Dark, now shines bright,
Thra it grows with truth and light,
Aughra, Aughra,
Rules as before,
The UrSkeks whole, but dark no more

What is Art?

by Daniel Kelly - 2021
C                    G
What is Art, what is art?
              F            C
Here’s an argument I’ll start,
G
Must it always be original,
F                  C
Created from the heart?
F                   G
Can I buy it from Ikea,
C          G         F
or at the Kwick-E-Mart
C                    G           C
What is art, what is art what is art?

C                       F            C
20,000 years ago, at Montignac in France,
G
Some people scratched upon the walls,
F                          C
Making stags and horses dance,
F                          G
Were they doing it for money,
C             G      F
Or putting on a show?
F                    C
Or was it just a menu,
C                    G    C
I guess we’ll never know.

What is Art, what is Art?
Am I doing art right now,
Though I probably stole the melody,
From another song somehow,
I didn’t write the language,
And I didn’t start the row,
What is art, what is art what is art

Those folks over in Malta,
They like their women large,
Immortalised in sculpture,
And maybe decoupage,
The beauty of 5000 years,
Preserved in fired clay,
Art that still endures,
And is relevant today.

What is Art, what is Art?
Who gets to decide,
Is it a matter of semantics?
Or really one of pride,
I think skill and expression,
Are good things to sit astride,
What is art, what is art what is art

Now Andy took a can of soup,
And slapped it on a page,
He didn’t even touch the thing,
But his art was all the rage,
Yes it was in the 60s,
When we really lost the plot,
Throw it in a dumpster,
And burn the flamin’ lot,

What is Art, what is art?
Here’s an argument I’ll start,
Must it always be original,
Created from the heart?
Can I buy it from Ikea,
or at the Kwick-E-Mart
What is art, what is art what is art?

That Eric Bogle writes his songs,
With such beautiful rhymes,
But to find all of those words himself,
He hasn’t got the time,
So he looks them up in someone’s book,
Should that now be a crime?
What is Art, What is Art, What is Art.

What is Art, what is Art?
Now my song is at an end,
I stole that from the Irish
Or was it just a lend?
So go and make your art I say,
For yourself or for a friend,
It is art, it is art it is art

It is art, it is art,
If you made it from the heart,
With your hands, or with
Computers, or tenticular parts,
If you bought it at Ikea,
Or at the Kwick-E-Mart,
It is art, it is art, it is art.

Outside of a Small Circle of (Facebook) Friends

a parody of the Phil Ochs song

Look inside that window, there's a newbie being flamed
They've dragged him to the FAQ and now the mod’s being blamed
Maybe we should call the admin and try to stop the pain
But Everquest is so much fun, I'd hate to blow the raid
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Surfing the information highway, yes, my back is getting stiff
Thirteen servers are offline, they're hanging on a cliff.
Maybe I could bring them back with a telnet shell again
But we got data to move and we might get sued and it’s probably all in vain
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Sweating in the Facebook ghetto with the needy and the mad
Rats from AOL have joined the ship, it was all they ever had
Now we could organise a riot with these latest fake-news crops
But their too gullible already and someone might call the cops
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

Oh there's a dirty thumbnail using sex to get some clicks
The YouTube board was so upset, I hope the lawsuit sticks.
Maybe we should help the content makers, keep them all in line.
But we're busy scrolling reddit and the latest TikTok Vines.
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends

The Smoking speed of twitter is more fun than drinking beer,
But a friend of ours was shadow banned they gave him just a year
Maybe we should raise our voices, ask somebody why
But it’s hard to get a trending tag, the cost is much too high
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends

Phallus in the Sky with Bezos


Parody to the tune of 'She'll be coming around the mountain'                                           

When you ride the giant penis in the sky,
When you ride the giant penis in the sky,
You’ll be near halfway to Venus,
Though the cost is somewhat heinous,
If you ride that giant penis in the sky.

You can sit atop the phallus in the sky, x 2
It’s a veritable palace,
Or that’s what Jeffery will tell us,
When you’re strapped into that phallus in the sky.

You’ll be feeling very manly when you fly, x 2
You’ll be feeling oh so manly,
Strapped aboard that whopping Stanley
You can’t help but feel manly when you fly

You’ll be looking quite elated when you fly x 2
You’ll be looking so elated,
As your pod’s ejaculated,
And your briefly zero weighted when you fly

We’ll say thankyou Jeffery Bezos when we fly x2
We’ll say thankyou Jeffery Bezos,
Though it cost more than he pays os,
We’ll say thankyou Jeffery Bezos when we fly

Speeding Down to Mos Eisley

A Filk by Daniel Kelly, to the tune of ‘Ol’ Maui’ – May 4 2021

It's a damn tough life full of sand and strife
We live on Tatooine.
And we don't give a damn when the day is done
If all the droids are clean.
'cause I’m Tosche bound from the moisture ground
With a speeder, fast and mean
And I’ll raise my stats, as I shoot wamp rats,
On the sands of Tatooine.

Speeding down to Mos Eisley, me boys
Speeding down to Mos Eisley,
With Obi-Wan, then to Alderan
Speeding down to Mos Eisley,

The droid R2, had a job to do,
A message to pass on,
With a well placed clout, the princess came out,
Pleading for help from Obi-Wan,
No-one by that name, lived out on the plain,
Twas a mystery that’s for sure,
The restraining bolt, was soon pulled out,
Hoping I could learn some more.

I met Old Ben, in his cavern then,
When the sand folk knocked me down,
He showed me a sword, that my dad had wored,
Until Vader cut him down,
If the death star plans, were in empire hands,
The rebellion would be through,
Owen and Beru, troopers killed them to,  
I knew what I had to do,

At Mos Eisley port, transport we sought,
for our trip to Alderan,
Little did we know, that Han Solo,
Was smuggler, on the run,
In a hail of fire, and stormtrooper ire,
We blasted into space,
On an epic quest, with many a test,
And monsters for to face,

In my twilight years, after many tears,
I hid on a planet then,
Like Yoda before, I shut my door,
After training Kylo Ren,
But Rey has come, and my jobs not done,
How much more can I do?  
So here’s to you, I’ll drink milk that’s blue
With the porgs on old Ahch-To.

Is There Flight On Mars?

A Parody Mashup of Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds and David Bowie’s Life on Mars.

Cm G7 G7 Cm x 2
     Bb                    Cm        
The chances of anything flying on Mars,
           G#              Cm
were a milion to one they said
           Bb         Cm
But look what they’ve done.

G                    Dm
The gravity that’s on mars
E7                         Am
is just two thirds that of ours,
Am                     D
Anything that goes up too fast,
G
Is sure to have flown its last.
         G           Dm
And you need some atmosphere
     E7                   Am
If your hoping the ground to clear,
Am                   D
Air on Mars is very thin,
                   Bb
It’s hard to even begin
     Bb                   Gm
Only one percent that of here
     G#                   Eb
Not much use for flying I fear.
           G7              Cm
But those NASA foks they are Smart,
                          Ebm
When it comes to the flying art

It was two thousand and forteen,
When JPL had a dream,
That the rover could have a drone,
A pet of it’s very own,
The mars helicopter scout,
Would take off and fly about,
It was launched a year ago,
But this week put on a show,
With a small piece from the brothers wright,
It flew on the planet last night
Another step on the planet Mars,
In our journey to farther stars.

The Muon Wobble

by Daniel Kelly – 2021

G7            C         G       C         F                  C
There’s a gap in your standard model, something there that you can’t see
     F                 C             G          G7      C
It isn’t a quark or neutrino, now what could it possibly be?

When I did undergratudate physics, and results didn’t match the theory,
F                G          G7            Am       G                    C
With a bit of a nudge, and some creative smudge, I’d always make sure they agree.

But the folks that worked at Brookhaven, their mistake they refused to conceal,
The Model is wrong, it was all along, say the muons that raced round the wheel.

Chorus

A bit more than twenty years later, in the interest of measurements fine,
On the Fermilab floor, in action once more, the magnetic ring was online

Now Muons that have a small wobble, to complex for me to explain,
But by catching their dance, there is a small chance, we’ll all have to learn physics again

Chorus

Now there’s no need for you to be frightened, no worm-holes will darken your door,
It just means the we, don’t understand what we see,  and we must learn a little bit more