Work of the Beavers

Parody of 'Wark o' the Weavers' - 2024

       G            D         C           G
Beavers they are wonderful, beavers they are smart,
      C               G             C             D
To keep the rivers healthy, they always do their part,
        G     D            C              G
Civil engineering, that’s also a work of art,
        C               G             D  G
So be thankful for the wark o' the beavers

                     D        C                 G
If it wisnae for the beavers, whar would ye stand?
    C           G          C           D
Ye wadnae hae a river, that is good and dammed'
G                   D                 C            G
A lovely spot for fishing, and for swimming also grand
             C           G            D  G
Sae be thankful for the wark o' the beavers

The humans often hunted us and turned us into hats,
With guns and spears and arrows, snares and nets and traps,
They extracted our secretions, called us fish, imagine that,
A very sorry fate for the beavers

Geronimo the beaver, he came from Idaho,
They took up into a plane and threw him down below,
Lucky he had a parachute, landed ready to go,
Continuing the wark o' the beavers

So if you see a beaver, down at your local stream,
Be thankful for the work he does, building a wetland dream,
And don’t begrudge the trees he takes, and never treat him mean,
And be thankful for the wark o' the beavers

Happy Star Wars Day Mark Hamill

by Daniel Kelly – 2024

      A          
Happy Star Wars Day Mark Hamill,
A
Did you ever ride a camel,
G                       D
I’m sure that a wee dram’ll,
      A                 G          D
Help you get into the spirit of the day,

And did you know that Wookies,
Are very fond of Porg meat cookies,
Most Star Pilots now are rookies,
But the empire is all gone so it’s okay,
Yes it’s okay.

      G           D           A
And may the Force with you always,
      G           D                 A
By your side through all of your days,
      Em          G        D
You’ve inspired us in all ways,
      G           D       A
May the Force be with us all, x 2

So raise a green glass from a siren,
May the fourth have you aspir’n,
To forty eight years of re-hiring,
By Disney and the franchise of all time,

And we all miss Princess Leia,
That bold empire slayer,
It’s a shame they didn’t pay her,
Quite as much as she deserved, they had some nerve,

Today the filkers will be filking,
And cosplayers will be silking,
And Darth Vader will be still king,
As the Storm Troopers miss every single shot,

We all remember gladly,
How a Princes was saved quite badly,
And Obi-wan died sadly,
And we learned about lightsabers and the Force,

Flerken Frustration

By Daniel Kelly - 2024

    F
We’ve got Flerkens on the Bridge,
                      C
We’ve got Flerkens in Med Bay,
               C
We’ve got Flerkens in the bathroom,
                    F
They just won’t go away.

    F
It’s best if you stop running,
                      B
That only makes them mad,
                  F
As for Flerken infestation,
               C                F
This is the worst that we have had

A crew-mate tried to catch one,
And they were swallowed whole,
    B              F
We need to find a way,
               C          F
To get these cats under control.

You may not have heard of Flerkens,
They look just like a cat,
But when the tentacles come out,
You’ll soon be forgetting that.

Chewbacca Sassy Danvers,
Is a Flerken you may know,
Rocket tried to kill her,
But Carol she said no.

Goose laid eggs on SABER,
Hidden all over the station,
Nick Fury was a bit confused,
But hope grew from frustration.

Loki

by Daniel Kelly – 2023

Am
At the centre of the tree,
           Em
Sits the god of destiny,
            C              D    Em
Threads of life for you and me, Loki

           Am
All the choices in a spool,
           Em
Wound together by his rule,
       D             C    Em
Divine power of the fool, Loki,

C    Em             G          D
Loki, Loki, the protector of the tree,
     Em              D    Em
Sacrificed for you and me, Loki.

Once only the god of tricks,
Now all time is in his fix,
He has woven fates sweet mix, Loki.

Cruel fate he could not stand,
Pruning lives was out of hand,
Now he’s built the promised land, Loki.

Chorus

Now until the end of time,
He will wrangle fate sublime,
All future yours and mine, Loki

So give thanks unto the king,
Who broke the sacred ring,
And let all destinies sing, Loki.

Song of the Lusty Argonian Maid

by Daniel Kelly 2023

     Am        C         G           Am
Oh why do you come to my chamber so late?
     C         G    Am
You pretty Argonian maid?
          Am        G         c         Am
The mistress she asked if the linen was straight,
Am             G        Am
Said the lusty Argonian Maid.

She lifted her tail as she smoothed down the bed,
That pretty Argonian maid,
Lord Colto gave way to the thoughts in his head,
Of that lusty Argonian Maid.

Oh would you please tarry and polish my spear?
He said to the pretty young maid,
Your spear is too rough for my soft hands I fear,
Said the lusty Argonian Maid,

With a teaspoon of oil, we’ll make the rough smooth,
He said to the Argonian Maid,
So she stroked her soft hands over every groove,
In that spear, the Argonian Maid,

Before your depart, would you see to my dough,
You pretty Argonian maid,
With a kneed of your hands, I’m sure it will grow,
You lusty Argonian maid,

She worked at the dough, in her soft hands it rose,
That Argonian flower of a maid,
When Crantius reached out to untie the clothes,
Of the lusty Argonian Maid,

She squealed as she drove the smooth spear through his heart,
That pretty Argonian maid,
She squealed as she drove the smooth spear through his heart,
That pretty Argonian maid,

So gentles and lords beware of your hands,
Around pretty Argonian Maids,
Or you’ll find there is only so much they will stand,
Those lusty Argonian maids.

A Place in the Fire

Words by Daniel Kelly 2023

TTTO: A Place in the Choir by Bill Staines

G
All god’s creatures got a place in the fire,
D                       G
Some on the grill and some in the fryer,
     C                  G
Or roasted whole on great log pyre,
    D             G
Serve them up on a plate, a bowl,
Or anything you got now.

     G                  D
The big mouth Bass he feeds on the bottom,
                                  G
Catch him with a pole and a line if you got’em,
C                      G
Reeling him in can be hard to do,
     D                  G
Then cook him up in a big fish stew,

Fry those sausages up in the middle,
Pork and chicken and beef on the griddle,
Turn ‘em quick so they don’t burn,
That red meat helps us all to learn,

Listen to the pop and crackle of the bacon,
Such a fine breakfast feast we’re makin’
Pour some oil on everything,
Never eat your greens,

Cookin, in the night time, cookin in the day,
Cookin those critters every way,
Basted, roasted, grilled and fried,
From their innards to their hide.

 

Love of the Page

by Daniel Kelly – 2023

G
Give me the love of the page,
  C        Am       G             D
Tell the story of the dragon and mage,
G                      Bm       C
Teach my to fly, with a fancy so free,
     C           D    G
And no one will ever cage me.

Here in the pages I’ll be,
Free from the pain of the life around me,
I’m taller and faster and wiser by far,
I can reach for and catch every star.

A story is always your friend,
Will invite you inside, keep you safe till the end,
Through tears and through laughter, triumph and fear,
Reach for me I will be here,

Whether from the library or store,
Passed down the family like hard gotten lore,
The book is a world, where adventure’s alive,
It’s on books that a young mind can thrive,

So teach me to read and to learn,
To fire the mind, for knowledge to yearn,
Give me the key that unlocks every door,
There’s fantastic new magic in store,

Saucer Sources

by Daniel Kelly – 2023 (to the 12 bar blues)

The aliens are out there,
Mulder told us years ago,
But those faceless men in power,
Don’t want you or me to know.
Now Grusch has blown the whistle,
And the truth’s about to Land,
US is building super weapons,
It’s all part of their plan.

Little green men in their saucers,
Now disclosed by inside sources,
They’ve been lacing all our sauces,
Those little green men in their saucers.
The Roswell crash was actual,
Suppressed by men in black with satchels,
Conspiracies are all now factual,
Illuminati hides the facts y’all.

The cover up it has been heinous,
All that probing of the anus,
Abduction stories will be famous,
Not sure I believe but can you blame us?
It’s time for Scully to return,
Or the evidence will burn,
If we truly aren’t alone,
Then we have a lot to learn.

 

Party of Four

by Daniel Kelly – 2023

Em                               D           Em
I’ll sing to you a song about adventures of four,
Em                                  Am         D
The bard was once a harper, but he isn’t any more,
Em                                C             G
The sorcerer is second rate, but he can raise the dead,
       Em                           D                Em
And then there’s a barbarian, who’s good at bashing heads,

       C        G
Hi Ho Ho, a questing we will go,
       Am                                E7
We do not fear the monsters, that are lurking down below,
      C             G
Hi Ho Ho, a questing we will go,
        Am                 G                                       
We’ll take the loot, and then we’ll scoot,
D              Em
back to the tavern oh     

And then we met a druid who could turn into a bear,
Or was it partly owl as well, we really didn’t care,
She brought into our party, something that we sorely lacked,
Some stealth and speed, and extra muscle for when we were attacked.

Our barbarian has issues with the man she left behind,
She raised the bards young daughter, while he was getting blind,
Now were fighting a red wizard, she seems a friendly sort,
Especially when enslaving souls and shooting fireballs for sport,

Xenk’s not in our party, he is just an NPC,
A Paladin with far too many skills and piety,
He’s got a lot of quibbles, so he won’t hang out with thieves,
But we’ll make use of his handy sword, at least until he leaves

And now we’re in the tavern, and the quest is at an end,
Drinking pints of ale, and laughing with our friends,
I’m not sure there’ll be another quest, all depends on the take,
And whether John and Jonathon have another film to make.

 

Princess Leia

by Daniel Kelly – 2023

G                         Em
You were born amidst the turmoil,
C                 G
As a great evil emerged,
Em                    Bm
Your father became a monster,
     C                D
The Empire began it’s purge,

Taken from your twin brother,
On the day your mother died,
Force by fate and circumstance,
On Alderan to hide.

May the force be with your Leia,
May your blaster fire true,
May you shine your light above,
The weaker men surrounding you,
May you find a peaceful solace,
From the pain and hurt and loss,
For it was you that saved the galaxy,
Despite all that it cost,

You were always a rebel,
From when first you held a gun,
You learnt the language of the droids,
And to live life on the run,
But also you were a princess,
As you mother was a queen,
The finest bravest warrior,
The galaxy has seen.

What could have been if Yoda,
Had trained you on dagoba,
Instead of the needy, whiny Luke,
With the force you’d have gone far,
Ut you settled for a nerf herder,
And bore a broken son,
I cant forgive George Lucas,
For the evil he has done.

Mansplainer

a Parody of Moon River by Daniel Kelly – 2023

G    Em      C            G
Mansplainer, snider than he's vile,
    C               G          Am   B7
He's bossing you in style, he'd say.
Em    G7          C     Cm
Point maker, spotlight taker,
    Em7         A7        Am         D7
Whatever you're saying, he'll say it his way.

G   Em       C              G
Sad grifter, wants to rule the world
        C             G        Am   B7
But so little of the world, he’s seen
       Em  Em7     Cm             G
I'm after the conversations end

C                   G
  Drives me around the bend
C               G
 My condescending friend
Em   Am      D7  G
Man Splainer. .let me be

Mansplainer, spews a lot of bile,
Makes the patriarchy smile, you’ll pay.
Mood breaker, Knowledge faker,
Wherever you're doing, he knows a better way.

Hark the Nine Wraith Riders

Hark the nine wraith riders spring, searching for the missing ring
Middle Earth is where it hides, to the shire nine dark lords ride
Woeful all ye hobbits hide, prancing pony get inside
Aragorn then will proclaim, "don’t tell anyone your name"
Hark the nine wraith riders spring, "Searching for the one lost ring"

Bilbo found it in a cave, lost by Gollum filled with rage;
Then upon his last birthday, to Frodo gave it away
Ring of magic, vile and feared, with it on he disappeared
Better get it to mount doom, dark riders are coming soon,
Hark the nine wraith riders spring, "Searching for the one lost ring"

The Witch king can’t by men be slain, all who face him fear his name,
Meri’s dagger will strike true, and Eowyn’s blade will run him through,
A magic blade from Westerness, left out by Pete Jackson I guess,
Should have kept Tom Bombadil, maybe the next re-make will,
Eight wraith riders on the wing, "Searching for the one lost ring"

The Forbidden Forest

by Daniel Kelly, on the passing of Robbie Coltrane

     G            Em       C          G
The forest is dark, so wild and untamed,
            Em    C        D
Filled with unicorns and spiders,
     G          Em              C          G
For a student forbidden, But there I must go,
   G            Em
Malfoy got me detention,
       D              G
I must face what I don’t know

  G      C      G
Hagrid take my hand,
     C      G        D
I’m heading for the forest,
Em       C           D    G
Hold your glowing lantern high,
     C          D          G
And lead me through the dark,

Though scared I’ll be brave, If you walk beside,
I’ll face the dark unknown
If you tell me the things you shouldn’t have told,
And lend to me your strength
I’ll learn to be bold.

You need your wits about you, When to the forest you go,
Not everything’s safe or friendly,
The Centaurs are noble, and no wizards slave,
So learn to respect,
If its power you crave,

So walk closely by in Hagrid’s steps,
Don’t stay into the darkness,
There’s worse things than werewolves lurking in there,
Wild cars and big spiders,
And old devil’s snare.

Back to the Moon

by Daniel Kelly 2022 (written while waiting for the Artemis I launch)

  G                             C
Back to the moon, we’re going back to the moon,
   G                 D
Artemis will take us there (my what a rocket)
Back to the moon, we’re going back to the moon,
      G     D       G
Her bounty for to share

Eugene Cernan was the last man to walk there,
Way back in seventy two,
For more the fifty years, the moon has been alone,
With no human life to view,

When I say share, I mean share with our friends,
Not Russia or the CCP,
Unless they get there first, which would be the worst,
For peace and liberty,

Back to the Moon, this time to stay,
The jumping point for mars,
Back to the Moon, Back on the path
The gateway to the Stars

There is Nothing Like a Flame

Parody Lyrics to “Nothing Like a Dame” by Rogers & Hammerstein

We got moonlight on the land,
But it’s very hard to see,
We got cats with teeth like sabres
Which will jump you from a tree,
We got knives and spears and axes
But they’re stone so very lame!
What ain’t we got?
We ain’t got flame!

We get eaten in our homes,
By the wolf, and by the bear,
We have tried hiding in caves
But the snakes they eat us there,
We get carried off by eagles
They can track us by our smell!
What should we do?
We just can’t tell!

We have nothin’ to scare off the predator with
What we need is some thing we can settle the score with

There is nothin’ like a flame,
Nothin’ in the world,
There is nothin’ you can name
That is anythin’ like a flame!

We feel queasy, we feel ill,
We feel nauseous, and in brief,
We get ev’ry kind of sickness’,
From the raw and uncooked beef,
But we feel hungry as the wolf felt
When he ate Red Hiding-hood
What don’t we feel?
We don’t feel good!

Lots of things to eat are very tasty, but brother,
There is one particular thing that if not cooked properly
will kill you much faster than any other.

Chorus

….Nothin’ else is built the same,
E A
Nothin’ in the world
E A
Warm and crackling and untamed
A D E A
Yes the flickering of a flame!

There is absolutely nothin’ you can name like a flame.

So suppose you’re out at night
And far away from home,
And you don’t want to get eaten,
When scared and all alone,
It’s a waste of time to worry
About the cat and wolf and biar,
Just build yourself a great big fire,

There is nothin’ you can name
That is anythin’ like a flame!

You can read books by a flame,
And nothin’ cooks like a flame.
You make wise cracks round a flame,
And dry you slacks by a flame,
Nothin’ acts like a flame,
Or Moth attracts like a flame.
There ain’t a thing that’s wrong with any one here
That can’t be cured by putting him near
A burning, roaring, crackling, warming, flame!

The Milk Fun

a parody of The Bilk Run by Leslie Fish

There ain't no seed, can't be sowed,
There ain't no grass that can't be mowed,
Ain't no cow that can't be milked,
And there ain't no song that can't be filked

You're a Trekkie, I'm a Jedi,
She's a brown coat let's write a song,
Put our words to a good strong melody,
We'll win a Pegasus before long

Because there ain't no guitar, can't be played,
Ain't no cat that can't be spayed,
Ain't no Scotsman can't be kilt,
And there ain't no song that can't be filked

I'm a wizard, you're a cultist,
Grab a book and lets cast a spell,
We can raise and ancient terror,
Banished from Argo down to hell

Cause there ain't no spirit can't be raised,
Ain't no gods that want your praise,
Ain't no threads that can't be silked,
And their ain't no song that can't be filked.

Bring your song out, in the circle,
There's no judgement, anything goes,
What we praise is heart not mastery,
With listeners too, the filksing grows,

There ain't no voice that cannot sing,
Ain't no soul with naught to bring,
Ain't no stranger of any ilk,
And there ain't no song that can't be filked

 

Bob and Alice

by Daniel Kelly

  C           G            C
Bob’s got a message for Alice,
           F                    C
But he’s more than a little concerned,
F               G      C   F
For he did Cryptography 101 and
     G                    C
Was worried by what he had learned,

For Eve is out there and she’s listening,
To all of the packets they send,
If Bob wants to keep his words secret,
He’ll need a system on which to depend,

             F             C
He’ll need Public Key Encryption,
                G          C
Yes, he needs Public Key Encryption,
           F              
When you can’t share a secret key,
C
In a way others cannot see,
           G          C
You need Public Key Encryption

Now Diffie and Hellman were searching,
Around nineteen seventy six,
For a way to exchange secrets safely,
Just like GCHQ with their tricks,

RSA expanded their research,
That’s Rivest, Shamir, Aldeman,
After a late night of coding and drinking,
The one-way hash revolution began,

They made Public Key Encryption,
Yes, Public Key Encryption,
When you can’t share a secret key,
In a way others cannot see,
You need Public Key Encryption

Now while Bob got his message to Alice,
Using the public key way,
They both went to jail for insurance fraud,
Because Eve worked for the NSA.

So every time you open your browser,
And look for the soothing padlock,
Remember the system was broken,
To boost Certificate Authority stock.

You use Public Key Encryption,
Yes, Public Key Encryption,
There’s no system we cannot break,
When shareholders are at stake,
Even Public Key Encryption

Chocolate Mire

(a Parody of Ring of Fire)

Cacao is a magic thing
And it makes our taste buds sing
Driving Wild Desire
I Fell Into A Chocolate Mire

I Fell Into A swirling Chocolate Mire,
I Went Down, Down, Down
As The Calories went Higher
And It Churns, Churns, Churns
The Chocolate Mire
The Chocolate Mire

The Taste Of Chocolate’s Sweet
The finest thing to eat
I Fell when the railing failed,
On chocolate blades I was impaled

God Made Cats

by Daniel Kelly – 2022

        G       C      G
On the six days of creation,
D                 G
God made all the things,
      G       C      G
The planets and the water
       D7
The trees and birds with wings,
            G       C         G
She made doctors, frogs and lawyers,
         C      D   Em
But a little after that,
          G        C        G
On the seventh day of creation,
G     D    G
God made cats.

          C               G
She made cats, she made cats,
         G         C     G
On the seventh day of creation,
G    D    G
God made cats

On the seventh day she rested,
Or so you have been told,
But let me share a secret,
If I may be so bold,
She wasn’t really resting,
She pulled something from her hat

So cats got all the best bits,
That creation had to give,
They’re fast and smart and furry,
With nine fine lives to live,
They expect humans to serve them,
After all they hunt the rat

And cats they well remember,
That they were made the last,
The pinnacle, the zenith,
Of all creations past,
As they contemplate life’s mysteries
While sitting on your lap

Building Bridges

Written for the Filk Ontario Song Contest 2022

C
Now I’ve been writing songs,
       G            C
Since I was four or five,
        F           C
They help me to engage with life,
     F            G
And let emotion thrive,

     F                  C
But I’ve got a little problem,
          F             C
That I’ll put into this song,
          F             C
There’s a part of writing,(So I’m told)
     C         G       C
That I’ve been getting wrong.

            F
It’s not a song,
            C
It’s not a song,
          F                  C
If it’s just got verse and chorus,
     Dm                   G
then you’re doing it all wrong,
             F
It’s not a song,
              C
(Not a proper song),
     F             C
If it hasn’t got a bridge,
     G                  C
Then it’s not a proper song,

There was this song that I had writ,
I thought was pretty fine,
So elegant in melody,
I crafted every line,

But then in the competition,
The feedback it was thus,
If you’d only put a bridge in,
It might have impressed us.

Chorus

I think I’m doomed to writing,
These songs that aren’t complete,
If I could figure bridges out,
That would be pretty neat.

But I don’t know how to build one,
And I haven’t got a plan,
So I’ll stick to writing the mediocre,
Half songs that I can.