By Daniel Kelly – 2020

              Am            C             G
She was a hefty eighteen wheeler, Coming out of Ballarat,
              Am                C                Am
She could drive the Western Highway, in 7 hours flat,
       C                    G
There been a tip-off at the Woollies,
       Am                   Em
From Kev in packing so I’m told,
              C             G
That the cargo she was hauling,
              Am       G         Am
Was three tonnes of fresh white gold,

       G             Am
White Gold, White Gold,
              C             G
Yes the cargo she was hauling,
              Am     G             Am
Was three tonnes of fresh white gold,

Now Edward and his men, they’d set up at Bordertown,
The locals never noticed, just what was going down,
A Jim’s mowing Ute to block the road,
They’d seen it on the telly,
The greatest heist in history,
Pulled off by one Ned Smelly.

Ned Smelly, Ned Smelly,
The greatest heist in history,
Pulled off by one Ned Smelly.

The gang were in position, the Ute it blocked the road,
The highway it was quiet, except’n for a toad,
The driver put his brakes on,
He surely got a fright,
And sixteen hundred bog rolls,
were lost into the night

Bog Rolls, Bog Rolls,
Yes sixteen hundred bog rolls,
Were lost into the night,

Now Ned he didn’t steal for fame, or just to make a packet,
Yes it was out of kindness, that he got into this racket,
Outside of every nursing home,
And bowls club in the land,
Was a neat pile of toilet rolls,
Ready for desperate hands,

Desperate hands, desperate hands,
Yes a neat pile of toilet rolls,
Ready for desperate hands,

       Em                   Am            C                    G
When you’re walking down the aisle, and the toilet papers gone,
Em                   Am            C                    Am    
You can think of bold Ned Smelly, and the message in my song,

Now his name passed in to legend, as the crisis did abate,
And everyone one had paper, for to clean their date,
But he often is remembered,
When sitting on the john,
In a nursing home or bowls club,
And the paper isn’t gone,

By Daniel Kelly – 2020

          G                       C         G
I was sitt’n on the dunny, as a fella likes to do,
          C             G         Am             D
And I’d just come to the end, of a colossal number two,
G
But when my hand reached for the paper,
     C         D         Em
A chill went through my soul,
          C                  G             D            G
For my fingers touched the cardboard, of an empty toilet roll.

My eyes they scanned the dunny, for that disaster saving spare,
But on that little wooden pole, was flamin’ nothing there,
I called out to the misses,
Is there any more TP?
Sorry love she answered,
Woolies and Coles are out till three.

          C                  G
Where out of paper, out of paper,
          C             G
The people stormed the stores,
          C             G
There’s been toilet paper wars,
          C             G
Empty shelves across the land,
     D                  G
the situations out of hand.

See there’s been a little outbreak, of a virus overseas,
And Australians love their dunny rolls, they make them feel at ease,
They didn’t stockpile medicine, drinking water or baked beans
They stripped the country of toilet rolls, can someone explain please?

I looked down at the toilet floor, and my fluffy bichon fries,
As I gave Frank my apologies, something brushed my knees,
It was a copy of The Telegraph,
No idea how it got there,
But nothing could be better, to wipe my derriere

Found some paper, found some paper,
It’s not good enough to read,
But it sure did do the deed,
If you find you’re in bind,
Rupert’s good for your behind,

So thankyou mister Murdoch, your paper saved my arse,
If it wasn’t for The Telegraph, that journalistic farce,
So I recommend to everyone, you should buy one for your loo,
In case you’re similarly stranded, when doing number two.