Building Bridges

Written for the Filk Ontario Song Contest 2022

Now I’ve been writing songs,
       G            C
Since I was four or five,
        F           C
They help me to engage with life,
     F            G
And let emotion thrive,

     F                  C
But I’ve got a little problem,
          F             C
That I’ll put into this song,
          F             C
There’s a part of writing,(So I’m told)
     C         G       C
That I’ve been getting wrong.

It’s not a song,
It’s not a song,
          F                  C
If it’s just got verse and chorus,
     Dm                   G
then you’re doing it all wrong,
It’s not a song,
(Not a proper song),
     F             C
If it hasn’t got a bridge,
     G                  C
Then it’s not a proper song,

There was this song that I had writ,
I thought was pretty fine,
So elegant in melody,
I crafted every line,

But then in the competition,
The feedback it was thus,
If you’d only put a bridge in,
It might have impressed us.


I think I’m doomed to writing,
These songs that aren’t complete,
If I could figure bridges out,
That would be pretty neat.

But I don’t know how to build one,
And I haven’t got a plan,
So I’ll stick to writing the mediocre,
Half songs that I can.

On the Suez Canal

by Daniel Kelly – 2021

Oh, dat ship she stuck and she ain’t gonna move,
Ain’t gonna move Oh Lord,
Oh, dat ship she stuck and she ain’t gonna move,
On dat Suez Canal,

On the way from China up to Rotterdam,
Oh, dat ship she called the Ever Given,

In the big dust storm she ran aground,
The tug-boats could’na turn her ‘round,

The small back hoe gonna dig her out,
Gonna Take ten year, or round about,

The shippers they is a mighty sore,
Lost ‘em a few billion or more,

The Ballad of Ned Smelly

By Daniel Kelly – 2020

              Am            C             G
She was a hefty eighteen wheeler, Coming out of Ballarat,
              Am                C                Am
She could drive the Western Highway, in 7 hours flat,
       C                    G
There been a tip-off at the Woollies,
       Am                   Em
From Kev in packing so I’m told,
              C             G
That the cargo she was hauling,
              Am       G         Am
Was three tonnes of fresh white gold,

       G             Am
White Gold, White Gold,
              C             G
Yes the cargo she was hauling,
              Am     G             Am
Was three tonnes of fresh white gold,

Now Edward and his men, they’d set up at Bordertown,
The locals never noticed, just what was going down,
A Jim’s mowing Ute to block the road,
They’d seen it on the telly,
The greatest heist in history,
Pulled off by one Ned Smelly.

Ned Smelly, Ned Smelly,
The greatest heist in history,
Pulled off by one Ned Smelly.

The gang were in position, the Ute it blocked the road,
The highway it was quiet, except’n for a toad,
The driver put his brakes on,
He surely got a fright,
And sixteen hundred bog rolls,
were lost into the night

Bog Rolls, Bog Rolls,
Yes sixteen hundred bog rolls,
Were lost into the night,

Now Ned he didn’t steal for fame, or just to make a packet,
Yes it was out of kindness, that he got into this racket,
Outside of every nursing home,
And bowls club in the land,
Was a neat pile of toilet rolls,
Ready for desperate hands,

Desperate hands, desperate hands,
Yes a neat pile of toilet rolls,
Ready for desperate hands,

       Em                   Am            C                    G
When you’re walking down the aisle, and the toilet papers gone,
Em                   Am            C                    Am    
You can think of bold Ned Smelly, and the message in my song,

Now his name passed in to legend, as the crisis did abate,
And everyone one had paper, for to clean their date,
But he often is remembered,
When sitting on the john,
In a nursing home or bowls club,
And the paper isn’t gone,

Number Two

By Daniel Kelly – 2020

          G                       C         G
I was sitt’n on the dunny, as a fella likes to do,
          C             G         Am             D
And I’d just come to the end, of a colossal number two,
But when my hand reached for the paper,
     C         D         Em
A chill went through my soul,
          C                  G             D            G
For my fingers touched the cardboard, of an empty toilet roll.

My eyes they scanned the dunny, for that disaster saving spare,
But on that little wooden pole, was flamin’ nothing there,
I called out to the misses,
Is there any more TP?
Sorry love she answered,
Woolies and Coles are out till three.

          C                  G
Where out of paper, out of paper,
          C             G
The people stormed the stores,
          C             G
There’s been toilet paper wars,
          C             G
Empty shelves across the land,
     D                  G
the situations out of hand.

See there’s been a little outbreak, of a virus overseas,
And Australians love their dunny rolls, they make them feel at ease,
They didn’t stockpile medicine, drinking water or baked beans
They stripped the country of toilet rolls, can someone explain please?

I looked down at the toilet floor, and my fluffy bichon fries,
As I gave Frank my apologies, something brushed my knees,
It was a copy of The Telegraph,
No idea how it got there,
But nothing could be better, to wipe my derriere

Found some paper, found some paper,
It’s not good enough to read,
But it sure did do the deed,
If you find you’re in bind,
Rupert’s good for your behind,

So thankyou mister Murdoch, your paper saved my arse,
If it wasn’t for The Telegraph, that journalistic farce,
So I recommend to everyone, you should buy one for your loo,
In case you’re similarly stranded, when doing number two.


Neighbour of the Beast

by Daniel Kelly – 2020

Am                              Dm
Well Kevin he’s my neighbour, he’s a jolly cheerful soul,
   Am                      G
Always helping the community, he plays a model role,
           Am                              Dm
But at his house over coffee, I noticed an odour,
           Am                         G               Am
The distinctive smell of sulphur, coming from his basement door.

C                             G             Am
I think I might just be the neighbour of the beast
           Am                   G             Am
I think I might just be the neighbour of the beast
     Dm         Am                    G
If it comes to Armageddon, at least I’ll be at/part of the feast,
             Am              G                 Am
I think I might just be the neighbour of the beast

Last month, come to think of it, the guy from Amazon,
Left a box for me by accident, they often get it wrong,
I had thought the whips and chains, were just for his bedroom,
Now I suspect that he might be the lord of doom.

I’d assumed he was from Jersey, he always wears a devils hat,
But now I wonder if a pair of horns, are hidden under that,
And that lengthy bulge that’s in his pants, is not cause he’s endowed,
But maybe it’s the tail, that he has to wrap around.

I didn’t mind the midnight chanting, or the visitors in dark robes,
I thought he was into gothic raves, with coloured lights and strobes,
But the influx of young maidens, seemed strange for a man his age,
Now that look at things more closely, I see a darker page.

Cheesy Love Song

By Daniel Kelly (tune by Freidrich Silcher, Muss i denn)

Camembert, Roquefort, give me just a little more,
Cheese that I adore,
Cause I don’t have a healthy heart.

Mozzarella I will fry, Gorgonzola I will try,
Jarlsberg on rye,
Cause I don’t care about my heart,

Cholesterol upon this heart of mine,
I’ve been raised on milk from the start,
Brie is nice, Fetta’s good,
Cheddar can be smoked with wood,
But I don’t want to break my heart.

Parmesan on bolognese, Stilton’s flavour they do praise,
Eat it in so many ways,
Though it’s not so good for your heart.

Emmental cheese is fine, if not watching my waistline,
It tastes so divine,
When I’m not thinking of my heart

Cholesterol upon this heart of mine,
I’ve been eating cheese from the start,
Edams great, heaven’s sake,
You can eat it in a cake,
But I don’t want to break my heart.

By the slice, or the round, so much cheese can be found,
Made the world around,
And who cares about my heart